Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
what could possibly go wrong?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out