I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The future is now.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.