You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices