Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”