On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours