If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My first son he is wonderful
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time