“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?