I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”