When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.