Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
You Might Also Like
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal