*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
#MeanwhileInCanada
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If you know, you know
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.