I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.