[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe