A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Ron is short for Aaronald
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating