It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses