Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.