Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us