[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Extremely relatable.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
When can I start eating bats again.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician