The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?