Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
You Might Also Like
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Is….Is this an option?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.