what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW