This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“You’d better run, egg!”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
mumsnet is amazing
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”