Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
You Might Also Like
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.