The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.