If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”