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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
#StillHurts
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone