If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!