Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.