I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I’m good, thanks.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba