Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!