When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi