My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.