The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah