until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
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When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned