You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
what kind of cook setting is this??
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.