Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.