[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.