Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
(more comics:
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!