If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Jurassic park gets weird
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.