Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Meow
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.