Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.