“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.