I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I can鈥檛 believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
This is me
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s鈥slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Good news
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I鈥檓 really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 馃槷 hampire
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I鈥檓 a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
This is the coolest video you will see today.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven鈥檛 had a real boyfriend in years.