Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
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Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is