*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..