Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Lmaoo 😂
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway