People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*