“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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This is enough internet for the day.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?