Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
hi why am I like this
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.