What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
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STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.